It was half-time in the Italia 90 final and Ruud Gullit is on his knees. The Dutch superstar is kneeling, praying for the God of Victory to provide his beloved Oranje with the inspiration they need to get their hands on the World Cup trophy for the first time.
As Gullit worships the mythical figure, he’s interrupted by two scantily clad ladies, hellbent on stopping the Netherlands from winning the final by any means necessary.
There was nothing heavenly about what followed, as the duo used their womanly charms to distract him from the, er, job that was at hand. Put it this way, they weren’t there to give him the sort of team talk he could have expected from national team boss Leo Beenhakker.
Of course, this wasn’t really Gullit. Not least because the Dutch didn’t reach the final after being knocked out by eventual winners West Germany in the round of 16.
Gullit is being portrayed by prolific porn actor Sean Michaels in Cicciolina e Moana ai Mondiali, a film The Set Pieces is pretty sure the Dutchman wasn’t aware of before its release.
Yet the former World Player of the Year – who once promised Newcastle fans he’d deliver them sexy football upon taking over as the Magpies boss – isn’t the only Italia 90 star to receive the dubious honour of appearing in the seedy flick. None other than Jurgen Klinsmann and Diego Maradona are also depicted, as the promiscuous femme fatales make their way through the tournament’s leading lights.
If anything about Italia 90 suggests how far the football world has moved on since, it’s that a World Cup porno ever saw the light of day. Even more that it was allowed to so blatantly attach itself to the competition while being shown in adult cinemas across Italy as the matches were being played.
This was no half-baked attempt at cinematic utopia, though. Maradona was played by none other than Ron Jeremy, a name even the most strait-laced of individuals is probably aware of as one of the globe’s most famous porn stars.
In fact, ever the professional, Jeremy left no stone unturned in getting his El Diez just right, even perfecting the Argentinian’s famous warm up to provide maximum authenticity.
His performance is so stirring one user review on film website IMDb writes: “The one remarkable thing about this flick is the casting of Ron Jeremy as Maradona. Not only is there a certain general resemblance, they are similarly stockily built, and in one (footballing) warming-up session, we see Ron performing some stretching exercises that are almost [the] exact copy of corresponding footage that exists of Diego Maradona.” High praise indeed.
Like any blue film, the plot is flimsy at best. In a nutshell, it seems faith isn’t high in hosts Italy being good enough to win the World Cup without some outside influence. So some staunch Azzurri fans call in the two female protagonists to do their bit by targeting the dangermen of the opposition and relieving them of their energy through a series of sex acts.
What follows is an hour and 21 minutes of romping, interspliced with occasional scenes of football matches, which was subtly branded the ‘hard masterpiece of the year’.
The aforementioned Klinsmann took the brunt of the attack as the Germans are eliminated, before Maradona’s appearance saw his Argentina side beaten by the Italians. If only the approach had been taken in real life, perhaps the semi-final result would have been different.
Last but not least was that final between Italy and Gullit’s Netherlands. As on the pitch, this was to prove the biggest test, with the Dutchman seemingly immune to the pre-match tactics he endured as he put his team on track for glory. Right up until that half-time visit turned the tide, anyway.
Somewhat predictably (and apologies for any spoiler alerts), the Italians turn it around in the second half to win the cup. It doesn’t take a genius to guess how they were rewarded.
One of the ladies to play a starring role in the film was none other than MP Ilona Staller, known as Cicciolina in the porn world. And if the movie – and politics – hadn’t kept her busy enough pre-tournament, she also squeezed in an appearance in British band Cure for Sanity’s music video that accompanied unofficial World Cup track Touched by the Hand of Cicciolina, which charted at number 28.
Despite the list of star names associated with the film, Mondiali didn’t inspire FIFA to commission any official porn films of its own for subsequent tournaments.
Thirty years on, the sheer ludicrousness of the idea is perhaps a sign of just how far the world has, ahem, come since.
Want even more Italia 90? Then stay tuned to The Set Pieces for the next few weeks, as our dedicated channel features interviews, features and quizzes from one of the World Cup’s most important tournaments – all in association with the Vincera podcast.
